Tonight will end soon enough, tomorrow is looking good.

Tonight has been very awful. I just can't believe what I put myself through, or why I put myself through such angst.

A year ago tonight, my uncle, Dick Vessella dropped dead of a massive, undiagnosable, tragic heart attack. That night changed my life forever. I haven't ever been the same after that night. I can't exactly pinpoint what massive change happened, other than physically losing Dick. My entire life turned upside down in such a short amount of time. I became less trusting, more emotional, weak, more anxious than ever, and an even bigger worry wort than I ever was. It still causes me physical pain thinking about him. I have so many awesome, amazing and fun memories of Dick, but everything boils down to a few hours of him lying dead on the floor of his house. It all seems so surreal. It's like I am sitting there again, touching his hair, sitting next to him for one last time. Watching him being put into a white van like he is some sort of cargo or something, not a human.

I never saw Dick again after he was taken away from the house by the funeral home that night. I never wanted to see him in any different state. I have never regretted that decision, and hope I never do. I don't really know what else to say. I'm over saying how much I loved him, how great he was, how good of a musician he was, what an amazing practitioner he was. I hate talking about him, it shouldn't be that way. I hate myself for never letting the grieving process get started. It's going to ruin me until I let it all sink in. I don't want to ever let it sink in, because in my mind, I think that I will start forgetting things. As much pain as that night caused me, I never want to forget it. Maybe next year will be easier, I doubt it. I loved Dick like a father. I know he loved me very much. I just wish things were different, or I was with him. Everything doesn't happen for a reason, there was no reason for him to leave, it just isn't fucking fair.

---

When I get very anxious, I tend to dig up the past, and ruin my mood. I have no idea why it happens that way, but I lead myself into places I shouldn't have ever been, read things I should have never read, thought things I should have never thought about.

I love Stanley with all my heart. I put him through so much shit, and I didn't even know I was doing it. If I could change everything, I would have flown to Los Angeles, spent the weekend with Stan, and lived happily ever after. That didn't happen, but ya know, we are together today. And that's what really matters. Not past boyfriends, sex partners, friends or lifestyle. I think I worry about all that so much because it pains me to know that Stanley would have been better off with me the entire time, and he would have never had to go through so many of the things that he did end up going through.

Tonight is the last night that I let all of that Bullshit get to me. I am over stalking myspace, diary's, and websites. I need to live in the today, or at least reality. It pains me to even think that my boyfriend was ever with anyone else. I have always had this problem. I have questioned every one of my serious relationships and put myself through so much shit for no reason. What happened in the past, when I wasn't even a thought is one: none of my business, and never something that I should ever worry about. As long as I know that there is no way that this boy is ever going anywhere, I have no worries at all.

I am so sorry for all the bullshit I put Stanley through. And sorry for putting myself through the same. I know that he doesn't love his ex boyfriends. I know that he doesn't even talk to them, but there is something inside me that worries, that when I'm not good enough anymore, that they will walk back into his life, and ruin mine. I never want to talk, think, look at, know of or ever have the opportunity to know any of Stan's ex's. I want to think that I am better than them, take better care of him, and love him like he deserves to be loved.

What's funny is that I haven't let shit like this worry me for a long time. I have been so happy lately. I have basically been happy and worry free since just after Thanksgiving, and I want that to continue. I am going to make a pact with myself, no more bullshit. Tonight is enough. I can't take another night like tonight.

I am ready for bed. I've only been up for 12 hours now, but it seems like 40. I need to sleep this off, and get back to business. Let me introduce you to my business, it's called Stanley Jacobus. I love this boy. He completes me. I only want to be with him for the rest of my life. I want to marry him. I want him and I to be fathers together. I want our life to be so full of love that its hard to breath because there is no more room for air. I want to kiss him everyday, all day. I never want him to be scared, upset or sad. I want him to want what I want. I think he does. I think he wants what I want. That fact means that we are meant to be together, forever.

Lets put the past behind, forever, for real. I'm completely over it as of tonight.

Let's continue to write our love story every day.

Good Night.

-SJG