Ranting REFOCUS.

My weekend was truly the best time I have spent doing anything this year so far. I got to spend Friday, Saturday, and Sunday with my man, all of it, every second, pure love. We didn't do much, but not doing anything and doing that together, is so damn rewarding. It snowed this weekend, which was the main reason we didn't really get out and do much outdoors, its just too cold and too wet to do the outdoorsy thing this time of year. I still do want to get to the glacier at some point this winter, it is just so breathtaking and its something you really need to do with someone you are truly madly in love with, its that good.

So this is my first official week of blogging again, and I think it's going alright. I am having an issue with what exactly I want from this, and what to write in it all the time. Do I stick with personal stuff? Do I talk about current events? A mish mash? I dunno. I don't want this to just be an outlet for getting things that are bugging me off my chest. I don't want this to become an outlet for saying things I don't want to say to people's faces. I want it to flow, and ebb, and be real. I think I may just let things flow out of my fingers and see where that gets me, let me know if you have any feedback. (assuming that anyone is actually reading this.)

One thing that has been on my mind for a while, and something I still don't have a solid answer to is should partners (IE Boyfriends, wives, husbands, girlfriends, whatever you want to call yourselves) keep things (Blogs, Diaries, Photos, Internet accounts, email etc...) that are password protected? It is an age old question, and I know everyone has their own opinion. Mine is no. Strait up NO. I think it ruins relationships, hinders the building of trust, and undermines the very basis of a solid relationship. Why would you want to hide things from the one you love the most? Wouldn't you want them to know everything? Wouldn't you tell them first? I dunno, I think if I felt like things weren't going on behind my back (like diaries that I have no access to or myspace) I would have in no way any reason to make myself feel as anxious as I am. Are the things 'behind the curtain' things that I would care about?, things that I wouldn't want to hear?, things that could hurt my relationship? I have no idea because I can't see them, and then have no way of having any control over them. Nn the flip side, some people say what you don't know can never hurt you. I think that's a load of shit. Of coarse it can hurt you. C'mon. It hurts people everyday. Just be honest and open, adn if that fails, then the person you are telling doesn't care about you as much as they should.

Maybe I'm just ranting and have no solution to a problem that I have made up in my head. NO. That's not it.

People do like to keep secrets, but I don't think there should be ANY secrets between two people in a committed relationship, especially when they are going to get married.

Is there a way to meet in the middle? Is there something I can do to make things easier on myself? Probably, but I'm not sure what that is. I have gone through some pretty big hoops to protect myself before, but that only leads to distrust and hurt feelings, all because I am trying to protect myself. Maybe there is no answer, but dammit, I just want to live a perfectly love-filled trusting life, without the possibility of being hurt down the road.

I just want to be the first person things are told to. I want to be the first person you tell you're mad at me. I want to be the shoulder to cry on. I want to be the one, not just 'the one' you tell people about, but the one you actually go to. Leaning on family and friends is a good outlet, but aren't I more important? I am here for only one reason, and that is you. Let me in. Please. I'm begging. Really.

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I have done a lot of retrospective thinking this year. I dunno what to make of all of it. I am really tired of looking to the past to fulfill some sort or hole in my life. I am tired at looking at old pictures, tired of reading old blogs, tired of hearing about ex's, past flings, and others. I want this time in my life to be about today, and tomorrow. I want it to be about love, happiness, and devotion. I want to go to sleep every night knowing that tomorrow will be fuller, bigger, and better. I want this pain in my soul to be healed, and for a new happy life to be born. I'm tired of high school games. I'm tired of I'm sorry, I'm sick of I won't do it again. Why does life always have to be about making up for something we have done/not done in the past. Why can't it just be about how much fun the future will be. How much joy raising a family will be?

Instead it's about getting places, and how fast you can get there. Success. Fame. Its not about just US. I think if more people really looked into what US meant to them, we would all have a lot less to worry about.

Do you ever stop and think before you do something, and think how will this make him/her feel? Do you? Why not? I think everyone should really care about how their actions affect other people more. I hate to sound like the victim, but ya know, I have been burned to may times in the past to let one more person ruin my day. I just want less worries. I want to worry about what my child is going to be named. I want to worry about what jeans I want to wear. I want to worry about what flowers work best with the color of his eyes.

I'm just plain tired. I just want everything to be easier, less complicated, and stay that way. Complication seems to breed around me. I don't get myself into to many complicated situations, but people around me tend to. We all need to refocus. REFOCUS.

REFOCUS. Think about it. How can you refocus what you do, to make other people happier. What can you cut out of your life, and be OK with, to make others happier. Refocusing is a different process for everyone. Don't be ashamed to tell the person you love how you feel, whatever that feeling is, good or bad, love or hate, happy or sad, glad or mad. REFOCUS. Do something you haven't done before, because you or others think it might be stupid. REFOCUS. Don't be afraid. Just do it.

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I only have about 90 minutes left of work, and then I get to come home to my family. All three of them. I look forward to seeing one of them a lot more than the rest ::wink:: ::cuddle::

Talk to you all again soon.

-SJG