2008, whoa.

Good Day,

I haven't blogged in a very long time, and this is something that I have decided that is necessary for me to do. I tend to bottle things up, and then either forget about them, or let them fester, get ugly and let them rot my life away. Tonight is start of a new outlet for me, and I hope that whoever reads this understands that whatever I write here is raw, unedited and completely true.

I am trying to decide how I want to get this blog rolling, and I think I am going to sum up the past year.
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2008 started very uneventful. All of the bullshit of moving was basically over, we both had jobs upon arriving here, and everything was looking up to a great year, and a fresh start for the both of us. Stan was working at Payless Shoe Source, liking it, and I was working for the man. My first few weeks of work were filled with bullshit paperwork, monotony, and leaving early, a lot. The end of January finally allowed me to do the work I was hired to do. the first couple of months were good, I was feeling very useful, wanted and even needed sometimes.

Stan and I had been through a very shitty year (2007), mostly caused by me; with the help of my ex, and his ex. 2008 was supposed to be our big new start, away from all the crappy influences both of us had, and was supposed to be easier, full of love, happiness and freshness. That's the way it started, but quickly deteriorated into a sort of controlled chaos. We had some communication issues, some bad decisions were made by both of us, and we completely broke down on at least three occasions. I was feeling like he was talking to his ex's, which he had, but so had I. I think that the main issue/problem was just trust. We would both act out to get back at one another, and it really was a bad recipe. I think the other root case of why we were always at odds and not communicating was that we hadn't really ever gone through the friends phase, and we didn't really know all that much about each other.

We did have our up moments throughout 2008. It was the first full year I got to spend with Stanley, and also the first time I got to actually live with him for the entire year. 2008 was also the year that we got engaged to be married. There was a lot of good movies, walks on the beach, glacier visits, and nights out on the town. Stanley and I's 2008 started and ended exactly like it should be 365 days a year. I have high hopes for 2009 for Stanley and I, its going to be an amazing year full of trials and tribulations which we will overcome with our devoted love and happiness towards each other.

2008 was also my first complete year with the Federal Service. I started work on Dec 26th 2007, and am now a tenured permanent federal employee. It was easy at first to come back to working for the Coast Guard. I knew that this time was going to be different, in so many ways. No uniforms, no salutes, no hats, no military law, no discriminating policies; plus paid overtime, paid federal holidays and decent insurance. At first, work was like riding a bike; I knew the policies, I knew the job, and I knew how things worked, and basically just turned into myself about 3 years ago. I was on autopilot, running major cases, saving lives, planning searches, mentoring new folks, but ultimately had a nervous breakdown over work, mainly caused by my attention to the occasional monotony of my work life, hindered with the fact that I generally don't like to talk about work (what I can talk about), when I am not at work. I was generally dissatisfied with my job from August till I left on Holiday in December. This job is very interesting, challenging, mind growing and occasionally fulfilling. It is just a job, and that is how I treat it. I don't do extra work outside of work. I only work at work, never take work home with me. I know that I am good at my job, and others tell me that often. I dunno I just can't see myself doing this forever, even if down the road I get a promotion. I can't see someone doing this as a career, at least this specific job. Also, Stanley never had to deal with my previous Coast Guard schedule, when I was on active duty. This year proved that my CG schedule was not very compatible with my personal life. That is going to change starting next month. It tears me up every morning that I have to kiss Stanley goodbye, because I know I'm not going to see him till the following morning, because I work overnight half the month. I just want a regular schedule. I work 12 hour shifts, shifting back and forth between days and nights. Anyways, this new year has already proven to be OK for work, and new projects and opportunities are on the horizon for me this year in Juneau working for the Coast Guard. I just hope that there are fewer incidents on our nations waters this coming year, there is way to much senseless death on our waterways, I hope this year is a safer one.


Stanley and I visited Portland for the first time in over 6 months of being away in July of 2008. My mothers birthday is July 5th, Krystal (Stan's sis) B-day is on the 4th!! So we jetted down to Portland, didn't tell anyone except my sister and surprised all of our friends and family, and got to spend some much needed time with them. We stayed in Cannon Beach for the majority of the trip, and did Fourth of July on the beach. We just returned from an extended trip to Portland for Christmas. The only hiccup in the trip was that Portland got 18" of snow over 3 days, and the entire city shut down. There was nothing that was going to keep my boy and I from conquering the city. Well, needless to say, 2 broken chains, two bouts of getting the car stuck, and a flat tire later, our trip was over, and we were home for the New Year. This trip to Portland was very bittersweet for me. I was very emotional for the majority of the trip. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I think it was a big mess of emotions all acting on my head at the same time. I am glad that I made the trip, just so I could lay some things to bed, and leave them alone for eternity. I needed some closure, and I think I got some. One thing is still bugging at me, but that will go farther away as time goes on.

Since I started this entry, it was transpired into a new day. This day is a hard day. This day, Jan 7 2007 was the the music died for me. It has never gotten easier. Every day to me is Jan 7 2007 at some point. I think about this day, at least once a day, every day. This day is surreal. This day is the saddest day of my life. This day my life fell out from underneath me. Those images will never be forgotten, the chilling phone calls, my sobbing mother, the police, the coroner, his body laying there on the floor that I had sat on for 24 years. It was like a dream, nothing was in focus, my lungs could not take any more cigarettes.

The last time I talked to him was in the late afternoon around 4:30pm. He wasn't feeling well, we had talked earlier in the day for a while, talking about politics, bush, hearing aids and how great New Years was. This time when I talked to him, he sounded more raspy. He was obviously pretty sick, with the flu he said, and he told me not to come to work the next day, he didn't want to get us sick. At 9:10pm that night, my phone alerted to me that I had a voice mail from my sister... that's when my life changed forever. I have never been the same. I don't know how to live on some days. Sometimes its very hard to get up in the morning knowing that I am empty inside, still. The only thing that has kept me afloat through this entire saga is my true love Stanley. Thank you for always being right here. I can never say thank you enough for sticking with me, it only gets better baby.

I think that's gonna be it for my first entry. It's been real. Good Night.

Dick Vessella, you left too soon.

Stanley Jacobus, you came at just the right time.

-SJG