I finally let my emotions get to me last night. After I left work and went home I had a pretty decent nervous breakdown. It's been coming. I just let all the things that have been either bugging me, or worrying me finally set in and I completely lost it. By the grace of God, the rock of my life, Stanley, woke up early, comforted me and got me to get some rest. Before I fell asleep I was feeling bad for waking him up, so I told him I would take him to work, so he didn't have to take the bus, and sleep in. That was one of the better decisions I have made in a while. Even though I was sort of a Zombie, I got to spend the morning with my boo. We stopped and grabbed some food on the way and I wished him a great day at work, kissed him, and drove home. After I got home, I called him, and then was going to fall asleep. Right after I dozed off my mother called, and talked my ear off for about 30 minutes. I think that she is worried that I am not going to call my brother before he leaves for Afghanistan. I am. I will. I just need time. I fucking hate saying goodbye. I never talked to him before he went to Iraq the first time, and I always regretted that. I just don't want a phone call to be the last time I see the guy. I know that he will be safe, and I know I will see him this summer, but we have had some interesting riffs in the family lately, and I really don't know how to approach my family anymore. I'll go into all of that some other time. Anyways, after I talked to my mother I did end up falling asleep. I woke up about 40 minutes before I had to leave for work. I called my boy, and then left for work. Work for once was not a monotonous disaster. We weren't busy per say, but we did have some things going on that broke the night up enough to make tolerable.
I am really looking forward to going home and sleeping though, at least for a little bit. I am going to take Stanley to work again this morning. I just like the time we spend together. I know I may lose some sleep out of spending the morning with him, but it's completely worth it.
We both have Saturday off together again this week. I'm not sure what's planned, but I'd like to get all of my thank you notes written for Christmas, maybe play with Walter a little, and just cuddle with my man.
Here's to three days off!!!!!!! (and only 2 hours left here at work!)
Peace
-SJG
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Off Night.
Something about tonight just makes me feel so uncomfortable. I dunno what it is. Tonight was boring, long, and overly understimulating.
It just wasn't a great day. It should have been, but it seemed like it wasn't yesterday, more like 6 months ago or something, there is something off and I can't put my finger on it.
One more night watch and then some freedom. Also quality time with my man.
I'm glad I got to see him today, I didn't think I was going to get to see him, and for some reason it was more important to see him today than other days recently. Weird. I dunno, I'm gonna sleep it off, and try again tomorrow.
Good night.
-SJG
It just wasn't a great day. It should have been, but it seemed like it wasn't yesterday, more like 6 months ago or something, there is something off and I can't put my finger on it.
One more night watch and then some freedom. Also quality time with my man.
I'm glad I got to see him today, I didn't think I was going to get to see him, and for some reason it was more important to see him today than other days recently. Weird. I dunno, I'm gonna sleep it off, and try again tomorrow.
Good night.
-SJG
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Ranting REFOCUS.
My weekend was truly the best time I have spent doing anything this year so far. I got to spend Friday, Saturday, and Sunday with my man, all of it, every second, pure love. We didn't do much, but not doing anything and doing that together, is so damn rewarding. It snowed this weekend, which was the main reason we didn't really get out and do much outdoors, its just too cold and too wet to do the outdoorsy thing this time of year. I still do want to get to the glacier at some point this winter, it is just so breathtaking and its something you really need to do with someone you are truly madly in love with, its that good.
So this is my first official week of blogging again, and I think it's going alright. I am having an issue with what exactly I want from this, and what to write in it all the time. Do I stick with personal stuff? Do I talk about current events? A mish mash? I dunno. I don't want this to just be an outlet for getting things that are bugging me off my chest. I don't want this to become an outlet for saying things I don't want to say to people's faces. I want it to flow, and ebb, and be real. I think I may just let things flow out of my fingers and see where that gets me, let me know if you have any feedback. (assuming that anyone is actually reading this.)
One thing that has been on my mind for a while, and something I still don't have a solid answer to is should partners (IE Boyfriends, wives, husbands, girlfriends, whatever you want to call yourselves) keep things (Blogs, Diaries, Photos, Internet accounts, email etc...) that are password protected? It is an age old question, and I know everyone has their own opinion. Mine is no. Strait up NO. I think it ruins relationships, hinders the building of trust, and undermines the very basis of a solid relationship. Why would you want to hide things from the one you love the most? Wouldn't you want them to know everything? Wouldn't you tell them first? I dunno, I think if I felt like things weren't going on behind my back (like diaries that I have no access to or myspace) I would have in no way any reason to make myself feel as anxious as I am. Are the things 'behind the curtain' things that I would care about?, things that I wouldn't want to hear?, things that could hurt my relationship? I have no idea because I can't see them, and then have no way of having any control over them. Nn the flip side, some people say what you don't know can never hurt you. I think that's a load of shit. Of coarse it can hurt you. C'mon. It hurts people everyday. Just be honest and open, adn if that fails, then the person you are telling doesn't care about you as much as they should.
Maybe I'm just ranting and have no solution to a problem that I have made up in my head. NO. That's not it.
People do like to keep secrets, but I don't think there should be ANY secrets between two people in a committed relationship, especially when they are going to get married.
Is there a way to meet in the middle? Is there something I can do to make things easier on myself? Probably, but I'm not sure what that is. I have gone through some pretty big hoops to protect myself before, but that only leads to distrust and hurt feelings, all because I am trying to protect myself. Maybe there is no answer, but dammit, I just want to live a perfectly love-filled trusting life, without the possibility of being hurt down the road.
I just want to be the first person things are told to. I want to be the first person you tell you're mad at me. I want to be the shoulder to cry on. I want to be the one, not just 'the one' you tell people about, but the one you actually go to. Leaning on family and friends is a good outlet, but aren't I more important? I am here for only one reason, and that is you. Let me in. Please. I'm begging. Really.
---
I have done a lot of retrospective thinking this year. I dunno what to make of all of it. I am really tired of looking to the past to fulfill some sort or hole in my life. I am tired at looking at old pictures, tired of reading old blogs, tired of hearing about ex's, past flings, and others. I want this time in my life to be about today, and tomorrow. I want it to be about love, happiness, and devotion. I want to go to sleep every night knowing that tomorrow will be fuller, bigger, and better. I want this pain in my soul to be healed, and for a new happy life to be born. I'm tired of high school games. I'm tired of I'm sorry, I'm sick of I won't do it again. Why does life always have to be about making up for something we have done/not done in the past. Why can't it just be about how much fun the future will be. How much joy raising a family will be?
Instead it's about getting places, and how fast you can get there. Success. Fame. Its not about just US. I think if more people really looked into what US meant to them, we would all have a lot less to worry about.
Do you ever stop and think before you do something, and think how will this make him/her feel? Do you? Why not? I think everyone should really care about how their actions affect other people more. I hate to sound like the victim, but ya know, I have been burned to may times in the past to let one more person ruin my day. I just want less worries. I want to worry about what my child is going to be named. I want to worry about what jeans I want to wear. I want to worry about what flowers work best with the color of his eyes.
I'm just plain tired. I just want everything to be easier, less complicated, and stay that way. Complication seems to breed around me. I don't get myself into to many complicated situations, but people around me tend to. We all need to refocus. REFOCUS.
REFOCUS. Think about it. How can you refocus what you do, to make other people happier. What can you cut out of your life, and be OK with, to make others happier. Refocusing is a different process for everyone. Don't be ashamed to tell the person you love how you feel, whatever that feeling is, good or bad, love or hate, happy or sad, glad or mad. REFOCUS. Do something you haven't done before, because you or others think it might be stupid. REFOCUS. Don't be afraid. Just do it.
---
I only have about 90 minutes left of work, and then I get to come home to my family. All three of them. I look forward to seeing one of them a lot more than the rest ::wink:: ::cuddle::
Talk to you all again soon.
-SJG
So this is my first official week of blogging again, and I think it's going alright. I am having an issue with what exactly I want from this, and what to write in it all the time. Do I stick with personal stuff? Do I talk about current events? A mish mash? I dunno. I don't want this to just be an outlet for getting things that are bugging me off my chest. I don't want this to become an outlet for saying things I don't want to say to people's faces. I want it to flow, and ebb, and be real. I think I may just let things flow out of my fingers and see where that gets me, let me know if you have any feedback. (assuming that anyone is actually reading this.)
One thing that has been on my mind for a while, and something I still don't have a solid answer to is should partners (IE Boyfriends, wives, husbands, girlfriends, whatever you want to call yourselves) keep things (Blogs, Diaries, Photos, Internet accounts, email etc...) that are password protected? It is an age old question, and I know everyone has their own opinion. Mine is no. Strait up NO. I think it ruins relationships, hinders the building of trust, and undermines the very basis of a solid relationship. Why would you want to hide things from the one you love the most? Wouldn't you want them to know everything? Wouldn't you tell them first? I dunno, I think if I felt like things weren't going on behind my back (like diaries that I have no access to or myspace) I would have in no way any reason to make myself feel as anxious as I am. Are the things 'behind the curtain' things that I would care about?, things that I wouldn't want to hear?, things that could hurt my relationship? I have no idea because I can't see them, and then have no way of having any control over them. Nn the flip side, some people say what you don't know can never hurt you. I think that's a load of shit. Of coarse it can hurt you. C'mon. It hurts people everyday. Just be honest and open, adn if that fails, then the person you are telling doesn't care about you as much as they should.
Maybe I'm just ranting and have no solution to a problem that I have made up in my head. NO. That's not it.
People do like to keep secrets, but I don't think there should be ANY secrets between two people in a committed relationship, especially when they are going to get married.
Is there a way to meet in the middle? Is there something I can do to make things easier on myself? Probably, but I'm not sure what that is. I have gone through some pretty big hoops to protect myself before, but that only leads to distrust and hurt feelings, all because I am trying to protect myself. Maybe there is no answer, but dammit, I just want to live a perfectly love-filled trusting life, without the possibility of being hurt down the road.
I just want to be the first person things are told to. I want to be the first person you tell you're mad at me. I want to be the shoulder to cry on. I want to be the one, not just 'the one' you tell people about, but the one you actually go to. Leaning on family and friends is a good outlet, but aren't I more important? I am here for only one reason, and that is you. Let me in. Please. I'm begging. Really.
---
I have done a lot of retrospective thinking this year. I dunno what to make of all of it. I am really tired of looking to the past to fulfill some sort or hole in my life. I am tired at looking at old pictures, tired of reading old blogs, tired of hearing about ex's, past flings, and others. I want this time in my life to be about today, and tomorrow. I want it to be about love, happiness, and devotion. I want to go to sleep every night knowing that tomorrow will be fuller, bigger, and better. I want this pain in my soul to be healed, and for a new happy life to be born. I'm tired of high school games. I'm tired of I'm sorry, I'm sick of I won't do it again. Why does life always have to be about making up for something we have done/not done in the past. Why can't it just be about how much fun the future will be. How much joy raising a family will be?
Instead it's about getting places, and how fast you can get there. Success. Fame. Its not about just US. I think if more people really looked into what US meant to them, we would all have a lot less to worry about.
Do you ever stop and think before you do something, and think how will this make him/her feel? Do you? Why not? I think everyone should really care about how their actions affect other people more. I hate to sound like the victim, but ya know, I have been burned to may times in the past to let one more person ruin my day. I just want less worries. I want to worry about what my child is going to be named. I want to worry about what jeans I want to wear. I want to worry about what flowers work best with the color of his eyes.
I'm just plain tired. I just want everything to be easier, less complicated, and stay that way. Complication seems to breed around me. I don't get myself into to many complicated situations, but people around me tend to. We all need to refocus. REFOCUS.
REFOCUS. Think about it. How can you refocus what you do, to make other people happier. What can you cut out of your life, and be OK with, to make others happier. Refocusing is a different process for everyone. Don't be ashamed to tell the person you love how you feel, whatever that feeling is, good or bad, love or hate, happy or sad, glad or mad. REFOCUS. Do something you haven't done before, because you or others think it might be stupid. REFOCUS. Don't be afraid. Just do it.
---
I only have about 90 minutes left of work, and then I get to come home to my family. All three of them. I look forward to seeing one of them a lot more than the rest ::wink:: ::cuddle::
Talk to you all again soon.
-SJG
Friday, January 9, 2009
Nights are the demon of my relationship...
Tonight is my last night of work for 3 days. This is the first set of nights I have worked since the Thanksgiving. I am thinking that working nights and my relationship with Stanley are not working out very well. When I work days, I go to work at 5am, and get off at about 6PM. Which in turn means that I get to live a fairly normal life, and sleep in bed next to my lover. Nights are a completely different story. I leave for a night shift around 5pm, and get home at about 6AM. For me, its not that big of a deal, I don't mind standing nights, they are a bit boring at times, but for the most part, they are something I am used to. I am used to them only because I have been on the same deranged schedule for about 5 years (excluding the year i lived in Portland). Stanley on the other hand is defiantly not keen on the idea of him sleeping in the bed alone, and essentially not seeing me for more than 30 minutes a day for a couple of days. I completely understand why he hates when I work nights, I am starting to hate them too. I have boiled down most of the bad things that have happened in our relationship since we have been here in Juneau, have somehow transpired while I am on nights. I can understand why. But I am not willing to let my work interfere in my personal life. I have officially asked for less nights in the coming months from the person that writes our schedule, and next time I am in and see my boss, I am going to personally ask him to either stand less nights, or none at all. I am not as valuable of an employee at night, because there is so little that happens at night. In my mind, me standing day's only makes complete sense. Stanley and I are happier, because we get to spend more time together, and work gets more use out of me during regular business hours. I'm not going to hold my breath for a major change in the schedule, but I am going to make an honest effort and plead my case. In my mind, my relationship comes way before work, and I feel that if I don't stop working at night, my relationship is going to suffer. I can't take any more strife, things have been going so well lately, and I don't want that to change. I get a knot in my stomach the second I step out the door to work a night shift until the second I step foot back into our condo. I dunno, I trust him, Love him, but that isn't enough I guess. I worry about him. A lot. Something about nights really makes his mood and actions change. I don't know why, but it worries me. I just want to know that he is happy and healthy and not looking for something else to replace me while I am not there, or acting differently when I am not there. I am not worried about him cheating on me, I know he never will, but I dunno, it makes me nervous to leave the house, and have no idea what happens when I'm not there. I guess I'm just insecure about something. Again, I am leaving the past behind, and trusting that everything in the future will be perfectly fine. I do have another set of three nights in a row starting next Monday. I just want to get them out of the way, so I can stop worrying.
---
On a brighter note, I get to spend both Saturday and Sunday with my man. We are both off of work, and have some plans together this weekend, mainly hot chocolate, and a cozy blanket.
I think we are going to really start looking for a new place to live this weekend too. I love the condo that we live in, but it is a little small, and the owner is selling it. I would like to move into something much larger, maybe 3BR 2bath, with a garage and a yard. I dunno, maybe we will find what we want, maybe we will have to settle for something smaller. I just want some room to grow, a dedicated guest bedroom, and a dedicated computer room/studio. Craigslist here I come.....
I really don't have much to say tonight, I'm pretty beat, and ready to head home. It is snowing outside, and has been since about noon. We are supposed to get 10-16 inches overnight, 6-12 inches today, and another 2-5 inches tonight. Hopefully the plows are out in force so we are not stuck at home all weekend. I would like to visit the glacier this weekend if its still cold. When its cold and not rainy, the lake that the glacier melts into, freezes over, and you can literally walk right up to the face of the glacier. It is a beautiful sight, and one of the first things that Stanley and I did when we arrived here in Juneau.
Good night Blogger world, I will talk to you all again soon.
-SJG
---
On a brighter note, I get to spend both Saturday and Sunday with my man. We are both off of work, and have some plans together this weekend, mainly hot chocolate, and a cozy blanket.
I think we are going to really start looking for a new place to live this weekend too. I love the condo that we live in, but it is a little small, and the owner is selling it. I would like to move into something much larger, maybe 3BR 2bath, with a garage and a yard. I dunno, maybe we will find what we want, maybe we will have to settle for something smaller. I just want some room to grow, a dedicated guest bedroom, and a dedicated computer room/studio. Craigslist here I come.....
I really don't have much to say tonight, I'm pretty beat, and ready to head home. It is snowing outside, and has been since about noon. We are supposed to get 10-16 inches overnight, 6-12 inches today, and another 2-5 inches tonight. Hopefully the plows are out in force so we are not stuck at home all weekend. I would like to visit the glacier this weekend if its still cold. When its cold and not rainy, the lake that the glacier melts into, freezes over, and you can literally walk right up to the face of the glacier. It is a beautiful sight, and one of the first things that Stanley and I did when we arrived here in Juneau.
Good night Blogger world, I will talk to you all again soon.
-SJG
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Tonight will end soon enough, tomorrow is looking good.
Tonight has been very awful. I just can't believe what I put myself through, or why I put myself through such angst.
A year ago tonight, my uncle, Dick Vessella dropped dead of a massive, undiagnosable, tragic heart attack. That night changed my life forever. I haven't ever been the same after that night. I can't exactly pinpoint what massive change happened, other than physically losing Dick. My entire life turned upside down in such a short amount of time. I became less trusting, more emotional, weak, more anxious than ever, and an even bigger worry wort than I ever was. It still causes me physical pain thinking about him. I have so many awesome, amazing and fun memories of Dick, but everything boils down to a few hours of him lying dead on the floor of his house. It all seems so surreal. It's like I am sitting there again, touching his hair, sitting next to him for one last time. Watching him being put into a white van like he is some sort of cargo or something, not a human.
I never saw Dick again after he was taken away from the house by the funeral home that night. I never wanted to see him in any different state. I have never regretted that decision, and hope I never do. I don't really know what else to say. I'm over saying how much I loved him, how great he was, how good of a musician he was, what an amazing practitioner he was. I hate talking about him, it shouldn't be that way. I hate myself for never letting the grieving process get started. It's going to ruin me until I let it all sink in. I don't want to ever let it sink in, because in my mind, I think that I will start forgetting things. As much pain as that night caused me, I never want to forget it. Maybe next year will be easier, I doubt it. I loved Dick like a father. I know he loved me very much. I just wish things were different, or I was with him. Everything doesn't happen for a reason, there was no reason for him to leave, it just isn't fucking fair.
---
When I get very anxious, I tend to dig up the past, and ruin my mood. I have no idea why it happens that way, but I lead myself into places I shouldn't have ever been, read things I should have never read, thought things I should have never thought about.
I love Stanley with all my heart. I put him through so much shit, and I didn't even know I was doing it. If I could change everything, I would have flown to Los Angeles, spent the weekend with Stan, and lived happily ever after. That didn't happen, but ya know, we are together today. And that's what really matters. Not past boyfriends, sex partners, friends or lifestyle. I think I worry about all that so much because it pains me to know that Stanley would have been better off with me the entire time, and he would have never had to go through so many of the things that he did end up going through.
Tonight is the last night that I let all of that Bullshit get to me. I am over stalking myspace, diary's, and websites. I need to live in the today, or at least reality. It pains me to even think that my boyfriend was ever with anyone else. I have always had this problem. I have questioned every one of my serious relationships and put myself through so much shit for no reason. What happened in the past, when I wasn't even a thought is one: none of my business, and never something that I should ever worry about. As long as I know that there is no way that this boy is ever going anywhere, I have no worries at all.
I am so sorry for all the bullshit I put Stanley through. And sorry for putting myself through the same. I know that he doesn't love his ex boyfriends. I know that he doesn't even talk to them, but there is something inside me that worries, that when I'm not good enough anymore, that they will walk back into his life, and ruin mine. I never want to talk, think, look at, know of or ever have the opportunity to know any of Stan's ex's. I want to think that I am better than them, take better care of him, and love him like he deserves to be loved.
What's funny is that I haven't let shit like this worry me for a long time. I have been so happy lately. I have basically been happy and worry free since just after Thanksgiving, and I want that to continue. I am going to make a pact with myself, no more bullshit. Tonight is enough. I can't take another night like tonight.
I am ready for bed. I've only been up for 12 hours now, but it seems like 40. I need to sleep this off, and get back to business. Let me introduce you to my business, it's called Stanley Jacobus. I love this boy. He completes me. I only want to be with him for the rest of my life. I want to marry him. I want him and I to be fathers together. I want our life to be so full of love that its hard to breath because there is no more room for air. I want to kiss him everyday, all day. I never want him to be scared, upset or sad. I want him to want what I want. I think he does. I think he wants what I want. That fact means that we are meant to be together, forever.
Lets put the past behind, forever, for real. I'm completely over it as of tonight.
Let's continue to write our love story every day.
Good Night.
-SJG
A year ago tonight, my uncle, Dick Vessella dropped dead of a massive, undiagnosable, tragic heart attack. That night changed my life forever. I haven't ever been the same after that night. I can't exactly pinpoint what massive change happened, other than physically losing Dick. My entire life turned upside down in such a short amount of time. I became less trusting, more emotional, weak, more anxious than ever, and an even bigger worry wort than I ever was. It still causes me physical pain thinking about him. I have so many awesome, amazing and fun memories of Dick, but everything boils down to a few hours of him lying dead on the floor of his house. It all seems so surreal. It's like I am sitting there again, touching his hair, sitting next to him for one last time. Watching him being put into a white van like he is some sort of cargo or something, not a human.
I never saw Dick again after he was taken away from the house by the funeral home that night. I never wanted to see him in any different state. I have never regretted that decision, and hope I never do. I don't really know what else to say. I'm over saying how much I loved him, how great he was, how good of a musician he was, what an amazing practitioner he was. I hate talking about him, it shouldn't be that way. I hate myself for never letting the grieving process get started. It's going to ruin me until I let it all sink in. I don't want to ever let it sink in, because in my mind, I think that I will start forgetting things. As much pain as that night caused me, I never want to forget it. Maybe next year will be easier, I doubt it. I loved Dick like a father. I know he loved me very much. I just wish things were different, or I was with him. Everything doesn't happen for a reason, there was no reason for him to leave, it just isn't fucking fair.
---
When I get very anxious, I tend to dig up the past, and ruin my mood. I have no idea why it happens that way, but I lead myself into places I shouldn't have ever been, read things I should have never read, thought things I should have never thought about.
I love Stanley with all my heart. I put him through so much shit, and I didn't even know I was doing it. If I could change everything, I would have flown to Los Angeles, spent the weekend with Stan, and lived happily ever after. That didn't happen, but ya know, we are together today. And that's what really matters. Not past boyfriends, sex partners, friends or lifestyle. I think I worry about all that so much because it pains me to know that Stanley would have been better off with me the entire time, and he would have never had to go through so many of the things that he did end up going through.
Tonight is the last night that I let all of that Bullshit get to me. I am over stalking myspace, diary's, and websites. I need to live in the today, or at least reality. It pains me to even think that my boyfriend was ever with anyone else. I have always had this problem. I have questioned every one of my serious relationships and put myself through so much shit for no reason. What happened in the past, when I wasn't even a thought is one: none of my business, and never something that I should ever worry about. As long as I know that there is no way that this boy is ever going anywhere, I have no worries at all.
I am so sorry for all the bullshit I put Stanley through. And sorry for putting myself through the same. I know that he doesn't love his ex boyfriends. I know that he doesn't even talk to them, but there is something inside me that worries, that when I'm not good enough anymore, that they will walk back into his life, and ruin mine. I never want to talk, think, look at, know of or ever have the opportunity to know any of Stan's ex's. I want to think that I am better than them, take better care of him, and love him like he deserves to be loved.
What's funny is that I haven't let shit like this worry me for a long time. I have been so happy lately. I have basically been happy and worry free since just after Thanksgiving, and I want that to continue. I am going to make a pact with myself, no more bullshit. Tonight is enough. I can't take another night like tonight.
I am ready for bed. I've only been up for 12 hours now, but it seems like 40. I need to sleep this off, and get back to business. Let me introduce you to my business, it's called Stanley Jacobus. I love this boy. He completes me. I only want to be with him for the rest of my life. I want to marry him. I want him and I to be fathers together. I want our life to be so full of love that its hard to breath because there is no more room for air. I want to kiss him everyday, all day. I never want him to be scared, upset or sad. I want him to want what I want. I think he does. I think he wants what I want. That fact means that we are meant to be together, forever.
Lets put the past behind, forever, for real. I'm completely over it as of tonight.
Let's continue to write our love story every day.
Good Night.
-SJG
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
2008, whoa.
Good Day,
I haven't blogged in a very long time, and this is something that I have decided that is necessary for me to do. I tend to bottle things up, and then either forget about them, or let them fester, get ugly and let them rot my life away. Tonight is start of a new outlet for me, and I hope that whoever reads this understands that whatever I write here is raw, unedited and completely true.
I am trying to decide how I want to get this blog rolling, and I think I am going to sum up the past year.
---
2008 started very uneventful. All of the bullshit of moving was basically over, we both had jobs upon arriving here, and everything was looking up to a great year, and a fresh start for the both of us. Stan was working at Payless Shoe Source, liking it, and I was working for the man. My first few weeks of work were filled with bullshit paperwork, monotony, and leaving early, a lot. The end of January finally allowed me to do the work I was hired to do. the first couple of months were good, I was feeling very useful, wanted and even needed sometimes.
Stan and I had been through a very shitty year (2007), mostly caused by me; with the help of my ex, and his ex. 2008 was supposed to be our big new start, away from all the crappy influences both of us had, and was supposed to be easier, full of love, happiness and freshness. That's the way it started, but quickly deteriorated into a sort of controlled chaos. We had some communication issues, some bad decisions were made by both of us, and we completely broke down on at least three occasions. I was feeling like he was talking to his ex's, which he had, but so had I. I think that the main issue/problem was just trust. We would both act out to get back at one another, and it really was a bad recipe. I think the other root case of why we were always at odds and not communicating was that we hadn't really ever gone through the friends phase, and we didn't really know all that much about each other.
We did have our up moments throughout 2008. It was the first full year I got to spend with Stanley, and also the first time I got to actually live with him for the entire year. 2008 was also the year that we got engaged to be married. There was a lot of good movies, walks on the beach, glacier visits, and nights out on the town. Stanley and I's 2008 started and ended exactly like it should be 365 days a year. I have high hopes for 2009 for Stanley and I, its going to be an amazing year full of trials and tribulations which we will overcome with our devoted love and happiness towards each other.
2008 was also my first complete year with the Federal Service. I started work on Dec 26th 2007, and am now a tenured permanent federal employee. It was easy at first to come back to working for the Coast Guard. I knew that this time was going to be different, in so many ways. No uniforms, no salutes, no hats, no military law, no discriminating policies; plus paid overtime, paid federal holidays and decent insurance. At first, work was like riding a bike; I knew the policies, I knew the job, and I knew how things worked, and basically just turned into myself about 3 years ago. I was on autopilot, running major cases, saving lives, planning searches, mentoring new folks, but ultimately had a nervous breakdown over work, mainly caused by my attention to the occasional monotony of my work life, hindered with the fact that I generally don't like to talk about work (what I can talk about), when I am not at work. I was generally dissatisfied with my job from August till I left on Holiday in December. This job is very interesting, challenging, mind growing and occasionally fulfilling. It is just a job, and that is how I treat it. I don't do extra work outside of work. I only work at work, never take work home with me. I know that I am good at my job, and others tell me that often. I dunno I just can't see myself doing this forever, even if down the road I get a promotion. I can't see someone doing this as a career, at least this specific job. Also, Stanley never had to deal with my previous Coast Guard schedule, when I was on active duty. This year proved that my CG schedule was not very compatible with my personal life. That is going to change starting next month. It tears me up every morning that I have to kiss Stanley goodbye, because I know I'm not going to see him till the following morning, because I work overnight half the month. I just want a regular schedule. I work 12 hour shifts, shifting back and forth between days and nights. Anyways, this new year has already proven to be OK for work, and new projects and opportunities are on the horizon for me this year in Juneau working for the Coast Guard. I just hope that there are fewer incidents on our nations waters this coming year, there is way to much senseless death on our waterways, I hope this year is a safer one.
Stanley and I visited Portland for the first time in over 6 months of being away in July of 2008. My mothers birthday is July 5th, Krystal (Stan's sis) B-day is on the 4th!! So we jetted down to Portland, didn't tell anyone except my sister and surprised all of our friends and family, and got to spend some much needed time with them. We stayed in Cannon Beach for the majority of the trip, and did Fourth of July on the beach. We just returned from an extended trip to Portland for Christmas. The only hiccup in the trip was that Portland got 18" of snow over 3 days, and the entire city shut down. There was nothing that was going to keep my boy and I from conquering the city. Well, needless to say, 2 broken chains, two bouts of getting the car stuck, and a flat tire later, our trip was over, and we were home for the New Year. This trip to Portland was very bittersweet for me. I was very emotional for the majority of the trip. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I think it was a big mess of emotions all acting on my head at the same time. I am glad that I made the trip, just so I could lay some things to bed, and leave them alone for eternity. I needed some closure, and I think I got some. One thing is still bugging at me, but that will go farther away as time goes on.
Since I started this entry, it was transpired into a new day. This day is a hard day. This day, Jan 7 2007 was the the music died for me. It has never gotten easier. Every day to me is Jan 7 2007 at some point. I think about this day, at least once a day, every day. This day is surreal. This day is the saddest day of my life. This day my life fell out from underneath me. Those images will never be forgotten, the chilling phone calls, my sobbing mother, the police, the coroner, his body laying there on the floor that I had sat on for 24 years. It was like a dream, nothing was in focus, my lungs could not take any more cigarettes.
The last time I talked to him was in the late afternoon around 4:30pm. He wasn't feeling well, we had talked earlier in the day for a while, talking about politics, bush, hearing aids and how great New Years was. This time when I talked to him, he sounded more raspy. He was obviously pretty sick, with the flu he said, and he told me not to come to work the next day, he didn't want to get us sick. At 9:10pm that night, my phone alerted to me that I had a voice mail from my sister... that's when my life changed forever. I have never been the same. I don't know how to live on some days. Sometimes its very hard to get up in the morning knowing that I am empty inside, still. The only thing that has kept me afloat through this entire saga is my true love Stanley. Thank you for always being right here. I can never say thank you enough for sticking with me, it only gets better baby.
I think that's gonna be it for my first entry. It's been real. Good Night.
Dick Vessella, you left too soon.
Stanley Jacobus, you came at just the right time.
-SJG
I haven't blogged in a very long time, and this is something that I have decided that is necessary for me to do. I tend to bottle things up, and then either forget about them, or let them fester, get ugly and let them rot my life away. Tonight is start of a new outlet for me, and I hope that whoever reads this understands that whatever I write here is raw, unedited and completely true.
I am trying to decide how I want to get this blog rolling, and I think I am going to sum up the past year.
---
2008 started very uneventful. All of the bullshit of moving was basically over, we both had jobs upon arriving here, and everything was looking up to a great year, and a fresh start for the both of us. Stan was working at Payless Shoe Source, liking it, and I was working for the man. My first few weeks of work were filled with bullshit paperwork, monotony, and leaving early, a lot. The end of January finally allowed me to do the work I was hired to do. the first couple of months were good, I was feeling very useful, wanted and even needed sometimes.
Stan and I had been through a very shitty year (2007), mostly caused by me; with the help of my ex, and his ex. 2008 was supposed to be our big new start, away from all the crappy influences both of us had, and was supposed to be easier, full of love, happiness and freshness. That's the way it started, but quickly deteriorated into a sort of controlled chaos. We had some communication issues, some bad decisions were made by both of us, and we completely broke down on at least three occasions. I was feeling like he was talking to his ex's, which he had, but so had I. I think that the main issue/problem was just trust. We would both act out to get back at one another, and it really was a bad recipe. I think the other root case of why we were always at odds and not communicating was that we hadn't really ever gone through the friends phase, and we didn't really know all that much about each other.
We did have our up moments throughout 2008. It was the first full year I got to spend with Stanley, and also the first time I got to actually live with him for the entire year. 2008 was also the year that we got engaged to be married. There was a lot of good movies, walks on the beach, glacier visits, and nights out on the town. Stanley and I's 2008 started and ended exactly like it should be 365 days a year. I have high hopes for 2009 for Stanley and I, its going to be an amazing year full of trials and tribulations which we will overcome with our devoted love and happiness towards each other.
2008 was also my first complete year with the Federal Service. I started work on Dec 26th 2007, and am now a tenured permanent federal employee. It was easy at first to come back to working for the Coast Guard. I knew that this time was going to be different, in so many ways. No uniforms, no salutes, no hats, no military law, no discriminating policies; plus paid overtime, paid federal holidays and decent insurance. At first, work was like riding a bike; I knew the policies, I knew the job, and I knew how things worked, and basically just turned into myself about 3 years ago. I was on autopilot, running major cases, saving lives, planning searches, mentoring new folks, but ultimately had a nervous breakdown over work, mainly caused by my attention to the occasional monotony of my work life, hindered with the fact that I generally don't like to talk about work (what I can talk about), when I am not at work. I was generally dissatisfied with my job from August till I left on Holiday in December. This job is very interesting, challenging, mind growing and occasionally fulfilling. It is just a job, and that is how I treat it. I don't do extra work outside of work. I only work at work, never take work home with me. I know that I am good at my job, and others tell me that often. I dunno I just can't see myself doing this forever, even if down the road I get a promotion. I can't see someone doing this as a career, at least this specific job. Also, Stanley never had to deal with my previous Coast Guard schedule, when I was on active duty. This year proved that my CG schedule was not very compatible with my personal life. That is going to change starting next month. It tears me up every morning that I have to kiss Stanley goodbye, because I know I'm not going to see him till the following morning, because I work overnight half the month. I just want a regular schedule. I work 12 hour shifts, shifting back and forth between days and nights. Anyways, this new year has already proven to be OK for work, and new projects and opportunities are on the horizon for me this year in Juneau working for the Coast Guard. I just hope that there are fewer incidents on our nations waters this coming year, there is way to much senseless death on our waterways, I hope this year is a safer one.
Stanley and I visited Portland for the first time in over 6 months of being away in July of 2008. My mothers birthday is July 5th, Krystal (Stan's sis) B-day is on the 4th!! So we jetted down to Portland, didn't tell anyone except my sister and surprised all of our friends and family, and got to spend some much needed time with them. We stayed in Cannon Beach for the majority of the trip, and did Fourth of July on the beach. We just returned from an extended trip to Portland for Christmas. The only hiccup in the trip was that Portland got 18" of snow over 3 days, and the entire city shut down. There was nothing that was going to keep my boy and I from conquering the city. Well, needless to say, 2 broken chains, two bouts of getting the car stuck, and a flat tire later, our trip was over, and we were home for the New Year. This trip to Portland was very bittersweet for me. I was very emotional for the majority of the trip. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I think it was a big mess of emotions all acting on my head at the same time. I am glad that I made the trip, just so I could lay some things to bed, and leave them alone for eternity. I needed some closure, and I think I got some. One thing is still bugging at me, but that will go farther away as time goes on.
Since I started this entry, it was transpired into a new day. This day is a hard day. This day, Jan 7 2007 was the the music died for me. It has never gotten easier. Every day to me is Jan 7 2007 at some point. I think about this day, at least once a day, every day. This day is surreal. This day is the saddest day of my life. This day my life fell out from underneath me. Those images will never be forgotten, the chilling phone calls, my sobbing mother, the police, the coroner, his body laying there on the floor that I had sat on for 24 years. It was like a dream, nothing was in focus, my lungs could not take any more cigarettes.
The last time I talked to him was in the late afternoon around 4:30pm. He wasn't feeling well, we had talked earlier in the day for a while, talking about politics, bush, hearing aids and how great New Years was. This time when I talked to him, he sounded more raspy. He was obviously pretty sick, with the flu he said, and he told me not to come to work the next day, he didn't want to get us sick. At 9:10pm that night, my phone alerted to me that I had a voice mail from my sister... that's when my life changed forever. I have never been the same. I don't know how to live on some days. Sometimes its very hard to get up in the morning knowing that I am empty inside, still. The only thing that has kept me afloat through this entire saga is my true love Stanley. Thank you for always being right here. I can never say thank you enough for sticking with me, it only gets better baby.
I think that's gonna be it for my first entry. It's been real. Good Night.
Dick Vessella, you left too soon.
Stanley Jacobus, you came at just the right time.
-SJG
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